Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize