i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize