I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
