I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
