My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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