come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
