Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
