I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
