I think I died a long time ago.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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