i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
