I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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