I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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