I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
