So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
