I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
