well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You are the jesus of drinking
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize