i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
