I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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