we have officially lost it.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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