So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
