Already got asked if we're dating
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
