I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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