last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
