My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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