I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
