I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
