On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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