My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
