i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
