Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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