Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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