I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
