Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
