a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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