My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
