I'm so fucking centered right now
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
