420 ftw
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
