Yo dont text me then not text me
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
