Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Im part way to drunk.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
