This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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