I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
