when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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