There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
