I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
