She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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