Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
