hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize