When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
