a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
