I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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