He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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