I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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