all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
