I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
